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Jason Statham is PISSED... that he sucks.

Few actors in this world have the remarkable ability to remain the exact same person no matter who or what they are portraying on screen. Jason Statham is one such person of this caliber. I’ve officially dubbed him “Britain’s Keanu Reeves” due to the similar concepts of limited scope and scarce emotion exhibited by both of them.

What sets them apart is Jason not only dons the same shroud of that smirking, “I’m-going-to-toss-out-a-one-liner-at-you-now” in every single movie he takes part in, but that he goes far above and beyond by literally taking the same role. What’s on the agenda in the coming year(s) for Jason bloody Statham? Let’s take a look:

1. The Brazilian Job (2009) (announced) …. Handsome Rob
2. The Sweeney (2009) (pre-production) (rumored) …. George Carte
3. Crank 2: High Voltage (2009) (post-production) …. Chev Chelios
4. Transporter 3 (2008) (post-production) …. Frank Martin
5. Death Race (2008) …. Jensen Ames

(courtesty of his IMDB page – opens in new window)

Of the 5 (nearly 4) yet to be released/finished/upcoming projects, three are sequels. In 9 days 75% of his upcoming work will be reprising the same role in the same movie. Now when I first heard of this emotionally monotonous Englishman it was in the movie Snatch in which he introduced himself as Turkish. I’ve heard the familiar sounds of his introductory voice ever since:

• My name is Turkish (Snatch)
• My name is Handsome Rob (The Italian Job)
• My name is Frank Martin (The Transporter)
• My name is Chev Chelios (Crank)

Few people in this world could pull off the exact same intro like Statham can, and he does it with effortless ease. His one weakness? Not being chased. This fucker has to be chased in every single god damn movie he does. When he’s not flying through the air in some Hollywood kung-fu move, he’s running his ass off. How many different reasons can we list for him to be on the run, let’s see:

1. To keep the adrenal glands active to stay alive!
2. Because he loves to steal cars and get attention from the kinds of girls who like the kind of guy who steals cars!
3. Because bad people are after him for his transporting activities!
4. Because some lady set up a fatal racing circuit for inmates!
5. LAST BUT NOT LEAST HE IS ON THE RUN TO ENFORCE JUSTICE ON THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED HIM

The level of suck is strong in this one and that’s why I’ve finally got around to painting him a target.

Relevant links to Jason Statham’s suckage:

• Time for another Jason Statham original: Another sequel

• Jason Statham is too generic for IMDB

• “I would love to be Daredevil”

• Funny Pictures