about:stuff

Like plenty of others I gave into the temptation and acquired the leaked workprint of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. This was one of the smarter moves I’ve made this month as it’s going to save me upwards of $20 for a pair of movie tickets on top of any concessions, we’ll say $25 even. Now I know some of you might scoff at the idea of me indulging in what you deem to be illicit and immoral behaviour but you’d be in the same sinking ship as my parents and pastors. Despite what their ideals were, I went ahead and chose to cross that line of ‘I’m not saving myself’.

To you this may seem akin to what premarital sex is to fundamentalists and pastors but to me it’s part of who I am as a human being, free to choose what to partake in and vice versa. I’m not killing Hollywood or stealing, I’m merely reading a contract to determine if I want to sign it. You see I like buying movies and TV shows on DVD/Blu Ray. I enjoy owning those, my collection isn’t snobbish in the least but it is picky. I love the act of popping something in, I love the special features and I love seeing movies how they were meant to be seen and it certainly isn’t streamed via HDMI from my laptop to my TV. However I will preview things to my heart’s content and if it’s crap I will not be wasting my money and I certainly won’t here with the case of Wolverine.

This paragraph will be spoiler free but the following ones will not. So if you’re planning on licking Fox’s asshole and don’t want that musky, fecal taste ruined for you I would stop reading after this block of text. I’ll also preface the preface by saying this movie cannot really be spoiled I mean, who cares what shit looks like? You’re not spoiling a friend or room mate or ratemypoo.com by sending in a picture or describing it to someone instead of allowing them to look at it for themselves. With this in the forefront of my mind this movie starts off unsurprisingly telling Wolverine’s story from the beginning, which apparently more than a hundred years ago. I’m not the biggest X-Men fan so don’t cry to me about my naivete on the source material. It follows his life through wars, I guess in some kind of attempt to show you how animalistic he is but that aspect fails where in X-Men 1 & 2 it did not. After a skirmish and some friendly casualties courtesy of Sabretooth’s rage they are met by William Striker who gets them to join his merry gang of mutant special forces which I guess escalates to a level of debauchery that Wolverine for some reason cannot. This completely contradicts what his upbringing had taught him and what the film tries to convey unsuccessfully and this is where the unspoilers end.

In Striker’s gang we meet Wade Wilson and others like Wraith, the Blob, etc. Wade Wilson becomes Deadpool in the comics and this was the only enjoyable part for me because he’s my second favorite comic book character other then Spider-man but Fox completely fucked that up for me. Wolverine walks away from that gang to pursue a quiet Canadian lifestyle with his girlfriend in some mountain cabin. He works as a lumberjack and appears pretty pussy whipped despite more than a century of ending thousands of lives along side his brother Victor (Sabretooth). She knows he’s special and a mutant because his nightmares bring out the claws but she loves him anyways.

The part that bothers me is he’s such a pussy the entire movie. He keeps getting broadsided and ambushed by everyone in sight. He’s this soft, lovable, homely guy despite the EXACT same childhood as his brother yet they turn out 100% the opposite in personality. They are supposed to be brutal and animalistic and there’s supposed to be this repressed “animal” side in Wolverine that just doesn’t exist. The Wolverine I know wouldn’t get his ass kicked by Gambit either but what do I know?

Ultimately it comes down to Striker and Victor working together harvesting mutant powers to input them all into one man to create a controllable mutant weapon, Weapon XI which Striker flat out names as Deadpool. He’s got Wolvy’s healing powers and his retractable swords for claws. He’s got Wraith’s vanishing act, Cyclop’s power blasting sight, and his mouth sewn and healed shut. I guess it’s implied he’s got the adamantium skeleton too but I’m not sure if that process was “complete” before they had to send him after Wolverine, courtesy of the laughable command line OS they use to control his actions like “destroy” or “decapitate”. It’s just so stupid apart from the fact they butchered the FUCK out of Deadpool.

And I know you’re thinking, “But didn’t Wolverine lose his memory?” Yeah he did, via two bullets from Striker’s adamantium six shooter at the very end of the movie. Wow. Really quite a cop out, Fox. It’s like you could almost see that meeting where they have the finished script and someone in the back of the room mentioned amnesia and they shat out a special gun for the purpose. This piece of shit is on par with Ghost Rider. Below Fantastic Four. Above no other super heroes. Fox you had a chance to roll with a Deadpool spin off. Because he’s easily the most likable type of hero/antihero archetype with funny one liners and a movie where the action star is breaking the 4thwall has UNLIMITED potential for greatness. But instead you create him in the final act of this movie as a part Wolverine, part Cyclops, and part Wraith and kill him via decapitation in the final battle scene.

Any critic who rates this movie positively needs to get punched in the jeans and a permanent vasectomy.

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve all been there. You’re at a bar, or making a small store purchase or just grabbing a coffee or soda at the gas station and they (sometimes asshole-ishly) tell you that they have a $5 minimum when you try and purchase it with a credit card. Some of you have even gotten wind that this isn’t even legal, but you’re not quite sure. You might even suspect it might be a state by state thing. Well wonder no more because it IS in fact illegal (in all 50 states). It goes against the rules the various credit card companies require their merchant/retailers to follow. Nothing has infuriated me more then being told I can’t make a purchase despite my insistence that it’s not in compliance. So I’ve gone through the trouble to map out just where each company specifies this information not only for my own reference but everyone who chooses to make a stand against shady practices.

Now it is our turn to look that douchebag in the eye and tell him to go fuck himself, because this shit isn’t going to fly anymore.

Lastly, since I am human I’m just as prone to making mistakes. If you see something that shouldn’t be there or should be corrected or you have any additional information PLEASE CONTACT me to update this guide. You can leave a comment or email me. I want this thing to be as precise as possible.

The following breaks down each credit card institution by where they specify this condition in their merchant rules/guidelines. I’ve added a link to the contact information to report these instances of merchant fraud. (Warning! Some PDFs! To make this easier I’ve transposed and referenced the exact section where this is so you don’t have to open the PDF if you don’t want to or are unable to do so.)

All links open in a new window. Happy hunting!

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MASTERCARD

Rules Homepage:http://www.mastercard.com/us/merchant/support/rules.html
Rules PDF: http://www.mastercard.com/us/merchant/pdf/MasterCard_Rules_5_08.pdf

What It States:

Section 5 – Merchants and Sales Transactions
5.9 – Prohibited Practices
5.9.3 – Minimum/Maximum Transaction Amount Prohibited
[A Merchant must not require, or indicate that it requires, a minimum or
maximum Transaction amount to accept a valid and properly presented Card.]

Contact Us – Merchant/Retailer Violation
http://www.mastercard.com/us/personal/en/contactus/merchantviolations.html
[] In order to make a MasterCard purchase, the merchant/retailer required a minimum or maximum amount.

As you can clearly see, there’s no denying the explicit ruling by Mastercard on this behaviour. They’ve even gone as far as to make that an actual check box on the violation form! Sounds like a common issue to me.

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VISA

Rules PDF: http://usa.visa.com/download/merchants/card_acceptance_guide.pdf

What it states:

(Numerical page 9, actual page 16 of 151)

[Always honor valid Visa cards in your acceptance category, regardless of the
dollar amount of the purchase. Imposing a minimum or maximum purchase
amounts in order to accept a Visa card transaction is a violation of the Visa rules.]

Visa FAQ
http://www.corporate.visa.com/ut/faq.jsp
[I believe a merchant has acted fraudulently. What can I do?]
[Please notify the dispute area at the financial institution that services your Visa account of any
merchant practices that you feel are inappropriate. Your bank has access to the appropriate Visa
rules and regulations as well as to the Notification of Customer Complaint forms which should be
used by your bank to document and file merchant complaints. It is not necessary for your bank to be
the merchant's financial institution in order to file a complaint for you. The address or telephone
number of the financial institution that issued your Visa card can be found on the back of your Visa
card or your Visa statement.]

Also very cut and dry here. There’s no marginally gray area or exhaustive use of complicated terms to confuse all parties involved. The only drawback is there’s no actual form to fill out. But contacting your issuing bank may be easier for you especially if they are local, which in most cases they are. Bonus points for making the call infront of the merchant themselves!

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DISCOVER

Operating Regulations: http://finance.tamu.edu/fmo/apcc/docs/Discover-Operating-Regulations.pdf

What it states:

2.8 – Minimum/Maximum Dollar Limits and Other Limits
[You may not require that any Cardholder make a minimum dollar
purchase in order to use a Card and you may not limit the maximum
amount that a Cardholder may spend when using a Card except when the
Issuer has not provided a positive Authorization Response for a Card
Transaction.]

Discover Fraud Prevention FAQ
http://www.discovernetwork.com/common/pdf/FraudPreventionFAQs.pdf
6. Where can I report suspected merchant fraud?
Please contact our Merchant Fraud Prevention Department at 800-347-3083.

A mix of Mastercard and VISA’s contact, you’re still phoning it in but it’s directly to Discover. Still some bonus points for immediate in-store dialing. Again, same simply linguistics in the regulations regarding minimum or maximum purchase amounts.

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AMERICAN EXPRESS

Merchant Policy: https://www209.americanexpress.com/merchant/singlevoice/USEng/FrontServlet?request_type=navigate&page=merchantPolicy
Merchant Policy PDF: https://www209.americanexpress.com/merchant/singlevoice/singlevoiceflash/USEng/pdffiles/MerchantPolicyPDFs/referenceguide_withfees_Final.pdf

What it states:

3.2 – treatment of the American Express brand

• [try to dissuade Cardmembers from using the Card,]
• [impose any restrictions, conditions, or disadvantages when the Card is accepted that are not imposed equally on all Other Payment Products, except for ACH funds transfer, cash, and checks,]
• [engage in activities that harm our business or the American Express Brand (or both),]

Message Center
https://www152.americanexpress.com/EformsWeb/un/ViewSuppressionPage.do?loc_str=en_US&utype=internet&origin=6
Type of Experience: [Merchant insisted on a minimum / maximum purchase amount.]

Amex is a little trickier with this rule as they do not explicitly say one way or another. But using circular logic and the right level of confidence with the prohibitive treatments stated, you can go a long way. For instance, since it’s against the rules for merchants or retailers to require a min/max amount on the other 3 cards, it would be very dissuasive to Amex users if they were the only cardholders subject to this tomfoolery. This also imposes a “restriction, condition or disadvantage” over all Other payment products for the same reason. The last example is also a no brainer. So by knowing the rules on other cards, you can legitimately fight this as an Amex customer as well!

To back this up I looked for contact info for American Express and one of the options on the first drop down box is regarding the minimum or maximum requirement!

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So there you have it. An in depth breakdown of how merchants and retailers sometimes force customers into purchases they normally wouldn’t be. This is highly shady and is against every single card company’s rules and procedures and if you report it, it will be fixed. Then one day you’ll absent mindedly walk in, make a sub-$5 purchase, receive no hassle in the process, and stare at the clerk with the self-satisfied smugness of a battle well won.

Knowledge is power.

The Internet is a worldwide double edged sword. Allowing people to have unprecedented access to accept and gather information is fantastic. The balance to this equation however is enough to overwhelm the novices and continue to harden the veteran users. Rome had their Colosseum, contemporary sports have their stadiums, and cyber-warriors will have their forums.

Forums are the everyman’s battleground. A chance to diminish and obliterate some unsuspecting n00b or to challenge the near-infallible veteran troll. These battles wage until one person often just gives up and leaves, leaving the victor to soak in the e-glory of his latest e-kill. For the most part these fights are victimless but quite a few times intelligence, reason, and logic are not involved in the victory.

With this in mind I present: The Top 9 Things the Forum Nerds Will Never Admit

(continue reading…)

Hey, look at me go. I’ve finished the final installment only a month after Part 2 debuted. I think in the future I’m going to stick to the short and sweet pieces that need saying. These long winded, Tolstoy-esque posts are a little too daunting for me to control regularly. I would’ve stopped and given up but I didn’t want to stop or give up so I didn’t.

Here you go:

(continue reading…)

This is going to be very hard for me because I haven’t read the book and I’m certainly not going to a travesty of a film. So being this objective without experiencing it firsthand will be difficult for me. What I will be basing it on is my understanding of the source material as well as some social hypotheses.

First off the trailer looked like severe garbage. I got the entire gist of the story I think. First the girl goes to a new school and meets a weird guy. She then deduces he’s a vampire (seriously? how the fuck?) and he admits it. Yet they are out in daylight in the entire trailer. So I did some research and it turns out that vampires don’t fry in sunlight anymore! What an extremely convenient turn of events! So instead of frying, in direct sunlight only, their skin sparkles unnaturally. Completely proving they aren’t human, so they stay indoors on sunny days. Because of this fact they congregate in some podunk Pacific Northwest town named Forks? This is a wet dream for the northwestern rednecks to be featured in such a high profile movie. I’m not being pointed either. I’ve been smack dab in the middle of Washington state in the middle of nowhere in a trailer house being offered Apple Cider Moonshine. Like I said… redneck.

But I digress. It turns out the daylight thing was a deal breaker for the author, Stephanie Meyer. So she did the natural thing, and simply rewrote the rules. Forget what you learned in any recent vampire trip, including:

• Buffy
• Blade
• Any Dracula movie
• Underworld
• Van Helsing
• 30 Days of Night
• I Am Legend
• True Blood

Those rules don’t matter. And since we’re changing the biggest rule of them all in regards to daylight, why stop there? Why not allow vampires to reproduce and have little vampire babies? Oh yes, let’s have that. Basically we have a rather large piece of shit on our hands ladies and gentleman. At the center of it are these teen girls going ape shit and camping out in lines waiting for this epic fail of a movie to come out. I cannot wait for the honest-to-god legitimate reviews from folks who aren’t drooling for whatshisface. Apparently the big thing in this book is the girl is one of those “I’m saving myself for my husband” folks who have a pointed and judgemental view of anyone who doesn’t follow their strict moral guidelines. So apparently the film is about wanting something so bad yet not being able to have it.

In honor of the “virgin til marriage” crowd I’ve put together this packing list for the hordes of fuglies camping out in lines for the imminent poo-flinging that is this movie (I’ve seen the pictures, you people do not look your best):

1. Jonas Brothers anything – seeing as they are the king of the ‘keeping your pants on‘ crowd
2. The entire Twilight book series – a must have for any true fan
3. Purity rings on every finger – because one item proving your ineptitude at fornication is not enough
4. The Bible – the second greatest book next to Twilight, full of abstinence encouragement and other fun things
5. Your list of rebuttals – to shout at anyone who dares to say that Harry Potter is the superior children’s book
6. A big enough sleeping bag – to fit your body and your cuddling pillow that reeks of sweat and tears, stain optional

So we’re at a point where girl wants boy but refuses, boy wants girl but refuses? And meanwhile his bad ass friends come to town and want to drink her blood so him and his gang get it on in some kind of coven civil war between some groups of vampires. Who apparently fly through trees and such channeling their best Japanese wire-work by the way. So ultimately I’m guessing, seeing as they are characters later on in the books, they win in the end. To live unhappily ever after as she’s not immortal and isn’t giving it up until marriage, sorry boy-vampire-guy-thing.

If you’re looking for a more realistic love story in the vampire world I would suggest checking out Let The Right One In, which carries alot more artistic credibility. Not to mention stays true to the ultraviolet light rule. And it has blood and killing in it which if any vampire movie lacked, is a vampire movie lacking. I’d rather see something more real then some fantastically moronic daytime vamp trip through redneck mountain country who’s biggest suspension of disbelief requires you to actually buy the fact that two good looking teenagers in love are never going to fuck. Which leads me to my final question:

Since Stephanie Meyer decided to give vampires daylight accessibility, and the ability to reproduce, did she also give the boy vampires the ability to get blue balls?