about:stuff

History and pop culture is laden with dynamic duos. Duos who are seem incomplete when paired off separately. From Batman & Robin, to Abbott & Costello to Tits & Ass, no duo is really 100% whole without the sum of all its parts. The ampersand symbol itself was probably brought mainstream by its duo use alone! The point is somethings just go together, like, well like peanut butter & jelly. It is with this archaic tandem in mind that I bring to you, the masses, a grand idea for another timeless pairing…

The idea came to me in a firestorm of a dilemma, the craving for my favorite consumable beverage: strawberry milk. Now this by itself is no cause for alarm but in the wee hours of the morning it’s just not going to cut the mustard. Most of the time I have to opt out for something more traditional, like coffee. Blech. Summer time is just a mere heat stroke away and coffee when I’m already uncomfortably warm is borderline at best. My other options are energy drinks but these all taste like ass, so do most sodas for that matter.

But wait!

What if by some sheer Frankensteinian formula someone was able to reproduce the sweet pink taste of strawberry milk with the kick of an energy drink? Why not say the king of energy drinks currently: Red Bull? Both are sold just a few doors away from each other in the convenience store! They’re both begging to hook up and have that ass-kicking lovechild that has the best built in brand name already attached to it: Bull Milk.

Mull that over for a bit. Gargle that in the throat of your mind for a second. Swish that around until it froths up with tasty pink bubbles for a moment. The marketing is practically there already. Piggybacking off the ‘got milk?’ ad campaign alone would blast the public with it’s forceful imagery. I see a mental collage of famous people with pink mustaches, breast cancer awareness marketing pumping vigorous amounts of cash into it, and a happy man who has another choice in his mornings or anytime.

Bull Milk
The taste of a cow with the kick of a bull
Charging its way to storefronts near you!

Like plenty of others I gave into the temptation and acquired the leaked workprint of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. This was one of the smarter moves I’ve made this month as it’s going to save me upwards of $20 for a pair of movie tickets on top of any concessions, we’ll say $25 even. Now I know some of you might scoff at the idea of me indulging in what you deem to be illicit and immoral behaviour but you’d be in the same sinking ship as my parents and pastors. Despite what their ideals were, I went ahead and chose to cross that line of ‘I’m not saving myself’.

To you this may seem akin to what premarital sex is to fundamentalists and pastors but to me it’s part of who I am as a human being, free to choose what to partake in and vice versa. I’m not killing Hollywood or stealing, I’m merely reading a contract to determine if I want to sign it. You see I like buying movies and TV shows on DVD/Blu Ray. I enjoy owning those, my collection isn’t snobbish in the least but it is picky. I love the act of popping something in, I love the special features and I love seeing movies how they were meant to be seen and it certainly isn’t streamed via HDMI from my laptop to my TV. However I will preview things to my heart’s content and if it’s crap I will not be wasting my money and I certainly won’t here with the case of Wolverine.

This paragraph will be spoiler free but the following ones will not. So if you’re planning on licking Fox’s asshole and don’t want that musky, fecal taste ruined for you I would stop reading after this block of text. I’ll also preface the preface by saying this movie cannot really be spoiled I mean, who cares what shit looks like? You’re not spoiling a friend or room mate or ratemypoo.com by sending in a picture or describing it to someone instead of allowing them to look at it for themselves. With this in the forefront of my mind this movie starts off unsurprisingly telling Wolverine’s story from the beginning, which apparently more than a hundred years ago. I’m not the biggest X-Men fan so don’t cry to me about my naivete on the source material. It follows his life through wars, I guess in some kind of attempt to show you how animalistic he is but that aspect fails where in X-Men 1 & 2 it did not. After a skirmish and some friendly casualties courtesy of Sabretooth’s rage they are met by William Striker who gets them to join his merry gang of mutant special forces which I guess escalates to a level of debauchery that Wolverine for some reason cannot. This completely contradicts what his upbringing had taught him and what the film tries to convey unsuccessfully and this is where the unspoilers end.

In Striker’s gang we meet Wade Wilson and others like Wraith, the Blob, etc. Wade Wilson becomes Deadpool in the comics and this was the only enjoyable part for me because he’s my second favorite comic book character other then Spider-man but Fox completely fucked that up for me. Wolverine walks away from that gang to pursue a quiet Canadian lifestyle with his girlfriend in some mountain cabin. He works as a lumberjack and appears pretty pussy whipped despite more than a century of ending thousands of lives along side his brother Victor (Sabretooth). She knows he’s special and a mutant because his nightmares bring out the claws but she loves him anyways.

The part that bothers me is he’s such a pussy the entire movie. He keeps getting broadsided and ambushed by everyone in sight. He’s this soft, lovable, homely guy despite the EXACT same childhood as his brother yet they turn out 100% the opposite in personality. They are supposed to be brutal and animalistic and there’s supposed to be this repressed “animal” side in Wolverine that just doesn’t exist. The Wolverine I know wouldn’t get his ass kicked by Gambit either but what do I know?

Ultimately it comes down to Striker and Victor working together harvesting mutant powers to input them all into one man to create a controllable mutant weapon, Weapon XI which Striker flat out names as Deadpool. He’s got Wolvy’s healing powers and his retractable swords for claws. He’s got Wraith’s vanishing act, Cyclop’s power blasting sight, and his mouth sewn and healed shut. I guess it’s implied he’s got the adamantium skeleton too but I’m not sure if that process was “complete” before they had to send him after Wolverine, courtesy of the laughable command line OS they use to control his actions like “destroy” or “decapitate”. It’s just so stupid apart from the fact they butchered the FUCK out of Deadpool.

And I know you’re thinking, “But didn’t Wolverine lose his memory?” Yeah he did, via two bullets from Striker’s adamantium six shooter at the very end of the movie. Wow. Really quite a cop out, Fox. It’s like you could almost see that meeting where they have the finished script and someone in the back of the room mentioned amnesia and they shat out a special gun for the purpose. This piece of shit is on par with Ghost Rider. Below Fantastic Four. Above no other super heroes. Fox you had a chance to roll with a Deadpool spin off. Because he’s easily the most likable type of hero/antihero archetype with funny one liners and a movie where the action star is breaking the 4thwall has UNLIMITED potential for greatness. But instead you create him in the final act of this movie as a part Wolverine, part Cyclops, and part Wraith and kill him via decapitation in the final battle scene.

Any critic who rates this movie positively needs to get punched in the jeans and a permanent vasectomy.

Breaking news my ass. Is there nothing else pertinent going on in the world? I have taken more noteworthy shits than this drivel.