gatsome

This is going to be very hard for me because I haven’t read the book and I’m certainly not going to a travesty of a film. So being this objective without experiencing it firsthand will be difficult for me. What I will be basing it on is my understanding of the source material as well as some social hypotheses.

First off the trailer looked like severe garbage. I got the entire gist of the story I think. First the girl goes to a new school and meets a weird guy. She then deduces he’s a vampire (seriously? how the fuck?) and he admits it. Yet they are out in daylight in the entire trailer. So I did some research and it turns out that vampires don’t fry in sunlight anymore! What an extremely convenient turn of events! So instead of frying, in direct sunlight only, their skin sparkles unnaturally. Completely proving they aren’t human, so they stay indoors on sunny days. Because of this fact they congregate in some podunk Pacific Northwest town named Forks? This is a wet dream for the northwestern rednecks to be featured in such a high profile movie. I’m not being pointed either. I’ve been smack dab in the middle of Washington state in the middle of nowhere in a trailer house being offered Apple Cider Moonshine. Like I said… redneck.

But I digress. It turns out the daylight thing was a deal breaker for the author, Stephanie Meyer. So she did the natural thing, and simply rewrote the rules. Forget what you learned in any recent vampire trip, including:

• Buffy
• Blade
• Any Dracula movie
• Underworld
• Van Helsing
• 30 Days of Night
• I Am Legend
• True Blood

Those rules don’t matter. And since we’re changing the biggest rule of them all in regards to daylight, why stop there? Why not allow vampires to reproduce and have little vampire babies? Oh yes, let’s have that. Basically we have a rather large piece of shit on our hands ladies and gentleman. At the center of it are these teen girls going ape shit and camping out in lines waiting for this epic fail of a movie to come out. I cannot wait for the honest-to-god legitimate reviews from folks who aren’t drooling for whatshisface. Apparently the big thing in this book is the girl is one of those “I’m saving myself for my husband” folks who have a pointed and judgemental view of anyone who doesn’t follow their strict moral guidelines. So apparently the film is about wanting something so bad yet not being able to have it.

In honor of the “virgin til marriage” crowd I’ve put together this packing list for the hordes of fuglies camping out in lines for the imminent poo-flinging that is this movie (I’ve seen the pictures, you people do not look your best):

1. Jonas Brothers anything – seeing as they are the king of the ‘keeping your pants on‘ crowd
2. The entire Twilight book series – a must have for any true fan
3. Purity rings on every finger – because one item proving your ineptitude at fornication is not enough
4. The Bible – the second greatest book next to Twilight, full of abstinence encouragement and other fun things
5. Your list of rebuttals – to shout at anyone who dares to say that Harry Potter is the superior children’s book
6. A big enough sleeping bag – to fit your body and your cuddling pillow that reeks of sweat and tears, stain optional

So we’re at a point where girl wants boy but refuses, boy wants girl but refuses? And meanwhile his bad ass friends come to town and want to drink her blood so him and his gang get it on in some kind of coven civil war between some groups of vampires. Who apparently fly through trees and such channeling their best Japanese wire-work by the way. So ultimately I’m guessing, seeing as they are characters later on in the books, they win in the end. To live unhappily ever after as she’s not immortal and isn’t giving it up until marriage, sorry boy-vampire-guy-thing.

If you’re looking for a more realistic love story in the vampire world I would suggest checking out Let The Right One In, which carries alot more artistic credibility. Not to mention stays true to the ultraviolet light rule. And it has blood and killing in it which if any vampire movie lacked, is a vampire movie lacking. I’d rather see something more real then some fantastically moronic daytime vamp trip through redneck mountain country who’s biggest suspension of disbelief requires you to actually buy the fact that two good looking teenagers in love are never going to fuck. Which leads me to my final question:

Since Stephanie Meyer decided to give vampires daylight accessibility, and the ability to reproduce, did she also give the boy vampires the ability to get blue balls?