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This past weekend was excellent. I had a 3 day weekend and did as little as possible. Part of that time was spent on my ass in front of the TV. During a commercial break I actually ceased all activity around me as the trailer for Transporter 3 came on. My complete lack of excitement was forshadowed by the sheer brilliance that is the Jason Statham marketing machine and their ability to turn the exact same movie into a completely new movie. But this time those writers (who rival those retards behind the shit-riddled ‘Date/Epic/Disaster Movie’ line) pulled out the big guns. A location sensitive BOMB. Oh my goodness gracious! Alright, let’s run down the craptasticular checklist for Transporter movies:

• Car chases
• Hand to hand combat
• Hot female interest
• Sinister enemy
• Airborn-ness

Now they’ve introduced a new element to keep it fresh. If Statham goes beyond 75 feet from his car, it blows up? He blows up? Both? Oh noez!

I hope he’ll be able to figure out how to get out of it. And defeat the evil doers. And make out with the hot female interest. For those of you interested in Statham, or this movie and you reached this site by mistake (Statham-related traffic has increased since the trailer has come out) it will be arriving to theaters like a bag of lit dogshit on your doorstep November 26th.