about:stuff

The Internet is a worldwide double edged sword. Allowing people to have unprecedented access to accept and gather information is fantastic. The balance to this equation however is enough to overwhelm the novices and continue to harden the veteran users. Rome had their Colosseum, contemporary sports have their stadiums, and cyber-warriors will have their forums.

Forums are the everyman’s battleground. A chance to diminish and obliterate some unsuspecting n00b or to challenge the near-infallible veteran troll. These battles wage until one person often just gives up and leaves, leaving the victor to soak in the e-glory of his latest e-kill. For the most part these fights are victimless but quite a few times intelligence, reason, and logic are not involved in the victory.

With this in mind I present: The Top 9 Things the Forum Nerds Will Never Admit (Part 1)

INEQUALITY AMONG SEXES

The Battle of the Sexes is as old as the Earth. It has regurgitated itself over and over again and perhaps will continue on into eternity. Forums are havens for misogynistic tendencies as is most community driven areas of the internet. MMO games, global chat rooms, basically anywhere you’d think a typical gal might avoid. The kind of statements about women relegate mostly to the inferior talent in male-dominated arenas like technology, gaming, geekdom, etc. But you also have the always witty “get in the kitchen and bake me a pie” crowd. Taunting their surrounding cohabitants into a fight, hopefully with a real live girl this time. These guys are actually in the minority in most cases, surprisingly.

Next up you have the valiant protesters of the above expressed opinions. These are the true losers of the battle. The guy who comes in crashing hard to state his piece on why women are to be exalted above all else. The motives for said individuals can vary from the extreme “never-touched-a-boob” crowd to the “gets-regular-ass-but-want-to-feed-troll(s)”. I would consider both to be vanity-related actions. The extreme virgin wants to look good while the seasoned playa wants an excuse to showcase his prowess. In the end both are so similar, having been baited into the age old, never-ending debate that it just gets too BORING to read anymore.

The bottom line is there are inequalities and until we evolve into a-sexual beings there always will be. I could go on and on citing source after source linking to why men are better at one thing and why women are better at another but what is the point? The main thing to remember is that in a majority gender domain, the minority gender will tend to ultimately be inferior. Whether that gender is a minority in the field for sexist reasons is a completely irrelevant point. Acknowledgment of superior party is not a crime.

Catering to a view or taking a certain stance to win over the affection of a group is by all means pathetic, no one likes a suck up. Not even the people you are sucking up to. Now please go back to lying about all the tail you get, or jerking off to shemale vids.

VISTA IS GOOD

If there is one conglomerated entity that existed for the purpose of being a technological scapegoat it would be Microsoft. To some they are worse than Communism was to McCarthy. To others they are a mere disappointment, akin to your favorite novel adapted into a Hollywood movie. Never quite living up to your expectations and leaving you grossly unsatisfied.

The primary example of this would be the ’06 release of Windows Vista. No one likes it, no one really understands the advantages. The recommended system requirements and the minimal requirements were set shorter then they should have, yes. But all in all after SP1 all the major issues are nothing but an afterthought. I was skeptical myself until the need arose to purchase a laptop with Vista installed on it. Guess what? It works. Oh and I’ll enjoy the benefits of being able to go beyond 4 GB of RAM. I have my processes and the UI slimmed down to the most efficient settings for an extra little boost in resources as well.

It’s a fair guess that the majority of Vista haters are the same guys that go out of their way to bash Microsoft and all the evil they produce in this world. Forget the fact that Bill Gates redefines philanthropy by every stretch of the word, Microsoft is just baby-sacrificing evil. No single group of people jump this bandwagon more than the same group of fuckheads using IE (uses less resources then Firefox typically) on Windows XP. Oh yeah, you guys are hardcore “anti-M$” alright. Shut the fuck up already.

A small section of this clique is the Apple fanboi lovefest. These guys live to circle jerk around a Windows user like they were the last woman in the trailer park. Picture 12 Justin Longs surrounding a lone John Hodgman in the center. “I’m a Maaaaaaaaauh-uh-uh-ccccc” in unison as Hodgman cries, “I’m just a Peeeeeeeeeeee CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”. Yeah it’s definitely on the paper bag covered side of ugly. These guys would suck off Steve Jobs in a heartbeat if it meant their Apple hip-cred would go up in the process. Picture the largest iPhone line you’ve EVER seen. Now multiple that by 20. That’s the amount of fanbois that would line up to be the Monica Lewinsky of Apple, Inc.

Last and certainly least are everyone’s least favorite people. The one and only thing and brings Vista users and MacBook Pro users together in harmony. The Linux elitist. These guys are so smug in their OS of choice you wouldn’t even like their personality in real life, it’s so self-saturated. Like the true vegans of the computing world, no one listens to what they have to say, or care. Have you ever gone into a hippy-esque, new agey restaurant and looked at the menu? It’s positively atrocious.

APPLE ISN’T JUST FOR YUPPIES

In true rival fashion there is plenty of hate for Apple to go around. Like the innocent, pretty, untainted church girl that all the guys lust after and of whom all girls are envious. Apple remains a shining beacon of holy grail-like proportions. And if there is one thing people as a whole love to do, it’s to breakdown a shining beacon of anything. Humanity can’t stand purity, in any form, even electronic. Even something that gives off the illusion of purity is like ultraviolet light is to the Microsoft vampires inhabiting the dark corners of the internet. As with anything universally despised, Apple haters will never cease to run out of material. If you truly hate something, you will always be able to find new reasons to support it.

Leading the pitchfork revolution in true hillbilly hick fashion is the Microsoft fanbois. Admiring themselves like they’re the last bastion of loyalty they march in unison seeking out any mold spots, bruises, or worms in Apple that may or may not exist. It seems to me they fail on an epic level since most of the arguments against Apple skip over the product and go straight to the end user. Terms like fanboi, yuppies, hipsters, maybe even elitist to round out the straw man quad combo are often used against people who own Apple products. I can’t say it’s not effective, too many people will not be interested in a product if they fear it will give others the wrong impression. But if you’re afraid of what the rabid Microsoft crowd thinks of you, you’re better off just becoming completely agoraphobic.

What these kinds of people fail to realize is the blatant contradictions in calling someone else elitist. To consider yourself superior to others because of their seemingly poor choice of hardware, to actively exude your pride in being one with Microsoft is nothing short of absolute elitism. But of course this is the internet and the kettle never seems to grow tired of the pot calling it black. It is on the same level as the people get go out and get tattoos and piercings to “rebel”, citing whatever lame bullshit reasoning everyone else does. It is the ultimate social paradox, everyone conforming to nonconformity.

So instead of being the dirty, jealous whore in the back pew constantly attacking anything innocent with malicious intent why not just leave? No one likes or respects you anyway.