about:stuff

Finally some news I can truly be excited about. Anyone who knows me in real life (which is undoubtedly no one reading this) can vouch for where Hicks ranks in my list of heroes. Although that in itself is a rather small list anyways, thus making it even more prestigious.For anyone unfamiliar with Bill Hicks here is his Wikipedia entry. (pops)

Bill Hicks

Russell Crowe

The man behind the chain smoking, politically driven, vulgarto the Nth degree Hicks will be Russell Crowe. The Sydney Mornign Herald quotes Crowe, “I have another project based on the life of comedian Bill Hicks, which is going from treatment to draft stage with Kiwi writer Mark Staufer.” And while Crowe wouldn’t be my very first choice to play Hicks, I have faith he can pull it off.

Thanks also to /Film and Flicks News!

Read more for some of my favorite Bill Hicks moments.

” I love the movies, love ‘em. Now, I’m watching Terminator 2 the other day, and I’m thinking to myself: They cannot top the stunts in this film, they cannot top this shit, unless … they start using terminally ill people as stunt people in feature films … well, hear me out, ’cause I know to a lot of you this may seem a little cruel. “Aww, Bill, terminally ill stunt people? That’s cruel!” You know what I think’s cruel? Leaving your loved ones to die in a hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put ‘em in the movies! What, you wanna let your grandmother live out her last days in a sterile hospital room, with translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet… Chuck Norris? ”

” You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? ”

“By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Just a little thought. I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they’ll take root. I don’t know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously, though. If you are, do. No, really. There’s no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan’s little helpers, okay? Kill yourself. Seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, this is not a joke, if you’re going: “There’s going to be a joke coming.” There’s no fucking joke coming. You are Satan’s spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked, and you are fucking us. Kill yourself, it’s the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going: “He’s doing a joke.” There’s no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend – I don’t care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations.”

” They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate” anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you’re making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux Australian accent] “Mummy, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer.” “That’s the story of Jesus!” ”

“But you know, it’s hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It’s gonna take a very special woman … or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals … and I’m afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: “And I’m not getting laid.” What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here’s why: She married a fella. He’s on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women … he has AIDS, and she’s suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I’m afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: “And I’m not getting laid.”

Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on
the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women’s polls. “Ted Bundy, that old whip, he’s hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things ’cause he kept me in stitches.” It’s just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks – achey breaky fucking dick this guy is – Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals.

You know, we’re fucked up here. I tell you, Satan’s gonna have no trouble taking over here ’cause all the women are gonna say: “What a cute butt.” “He’s Satan!” “You don’t know him like I do.” “He’s the Prince of Darkness!” “I can change him.”

And I bet that’s true, man. I wouldn’t give Satan a snowball’s chance in Hell against a woman’s ego. He’d rule the earth for a day, then we’d see him outside, mowing the lawn. “Hey, aren’t you Satan?” “Shut up.” “Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.” “Shut up.” You’ll see him at the supermarket buying “Tampons, aisle three …” “Aren’t you Satan?” “Shut up.” “You’re pussy-whipped!” “No, I’m Satan! Grrr!” “You’re not Prince of Darkness, you’re Pussy-whipped of Darkness!” ”

“I have this feeling man, ’cause you know, it’s just a handful of people who run everything, you know … that’s true, it’s provable. It’s not … I’m not a fucking conspiracy nut, it’s provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you’re in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, “Roll the film.” And it’s a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you’ve never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it’s from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, “Any questions?” “Er, just what my agenda is.” “First we bomb Baghdad.” “You got it…” ”

” “People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, “Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?” Guy said, “Way-ul, we didn‘ wanna be ab-duc-ted.” If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.” ”

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For those of you unfamiliar with Hicks’ work I suggest checking out his 2 posthumous albums: Arizona Bay and Rant in E-Minor and possibly working your way backwards from there.