about:stuff

If you were entertained at all by any Chuch Norris Facts (Google it if you’ve been under a rock and never seen it) then this collection of facts in regards to the recent 8 time Beijing gold medal winner  Obama VP savior of the free world Michael Phelps (Google it if you’ve been under a rock and have never heard of him) should be amusing.

Instead of transposing absolutely every single one, I’ve just including my favorites. If you want to see the entire thing you can read the entire post. Special thanks to the original author, whoever he is. (pops)

• Shamu is free to leave SeaWorld at anytime, but refuses to go back into open water due to a gambling debt in which he owes Michael Phelps $20.
• Fertile females are not allowed in the pool after Phelps until the water has been boiled for twenty minutes.
• A Michael Phelps flip-turn is the only phenomenon in the universe capable of canceling out the force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
• Michael Phelps’ sperm can swim so well, they impregnated a woman who gave him a BJ.
• Michael Phelps is the orca’s only known predator in the water.
• Michael Phelps has swum through Atlantis, but he’s keeping it a secret because its the only place with more gold medals than him
• Michael Phelps once swam all the way to Gilligan’s Island just to have a threesome with Mary Ann and Ginger. He departed the next morning, taking only Bob Denver’s career with him.
• You only see Michael Phelps’ mother on TV because his father was Poseidon.

1. There is no energy crisis. Michael Phelps will be back at the hamster wheel after the Olympics.
2. Hurricanes, Cyclones and Tsunamis are actually the ocean trying to escape Michael Phelps.
3. Water is too scared to drown Michael Phelps.
4. Shamu is free to leave SeaWorld at anytime, but refuses to go back into open water due to a gambling debt in which he owes Michael Phelps $20.
5. Michael Phelps got into a fight with the ocean. It was a draw.
6. The Lusitania was not fired upon by Germany. Michael Phelps was just trying to get home.
7. Cullen Jones is three shades darker than he was before he was exposed to Michael Phelps brilliance.
8. To make sure salmon don’t get to full of themselves, once a year, Michael Phelps swims 800 meters upstream to have sex with 100′s of virgins.
9. Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day. That’s not a joke.
10. Michael Phelps is actually five people encased within each other. He’s like a babushka doll, and he has to eat for all five of them.
11. US food prices are up because Michael Phelps was training for the Olympics.
12. The dinosaurs did not die off because of a meteor impact. Michael Phelps ate their entire food supply in one sitting.
13. Michael Phelps’ dung heap provides enough cooking fuel for 4,812 separate Chinese villages.
14. We didn’t actually drop bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We had Michael Phelps sit on the bomb chute and take a dump.
15. Michael Phelps was swimming to Australia after stopping in China for some Chinese food, but had to stop halfway to take a couple of large dumps. Due to poor translation, the islands formed were incorrectly named the Phillipines.
16. Michael Phelps once ate Mexican food before a meet. Due to the resulting jet propulsion, he traveled faster than light, finishing before he started.
17. A massive Michael Phelps turd can float faster than most humans can swim.
18. Michael Phelps actually failed to swim the English Channel, but only because he kept just swimming right past France.
19. Fertile females are not allowed in the pool after Phelps until the water has been boiled for twenty minutes.
20. A Michael Phelps flip-turn is the only phenomenon in the universe capable of canceling out the force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
21. Tsunamis are actually caused by Michael Phelps’ morning swim.
22. Global warming is actually the planet’s attempt at appeasing Michael Phelps by giving him more water to swim in.
23. Michael Phelps is the orca’s only known predator in the water.
24. Michael Phelps’ sperm is tough enough to swim upstream. Up the Mississippi River.
25. Michael Phelps’ sperm can swim so well, they impregnated a woman who gave him a BJ.
26. Michael Phelps swam across the Sahara desert. He flip-turned against the Great Pyramid and didn’t come back up until Libya.
27. When Aquaman is in trouble he calls Michael Phelps.
28. Superman wears Michael Phelps pj’s.
29. Michael Phelps swam to the Olympics and beat the plane by 3 seconds.
30. Michael Phelps can walk on water, but he’s too modest, so he swims instead.
31. Moses didn’t part the Red Sea. It was Michael Phelps’ wake.
32. Michael Phelps created the Grand Canyon when he swam up the Colorado River
33. Michael Phelps eats beets. Phelps, beets, Battlestar Galatica.
34. Michael Phelps will not blend. He outpaces the blades.
35. Michael Phelps once doggie-paddled up Niagra Falls.
36. Michael Phelps doesn’t get wet while swimming. The water ‘just’ avoids and moves around him to not get him upset.
37. Michael Phelps has swum through Atlantis, but he’s keeping it a secret because its the only place with more gold medals than him
38. Mars was once a lush tropical planet, until Phelps did a flip-turn off of Olympus Mons and sucked the atmosphere back along with him to Earth.
39. A Michael Phelps flip turn produces 1.21 Gigawatts. If they increased the pool length by just 5 more meters he would reach the necessary 88 mph for time travel.
40. Where Michael Phelps is going, he doesn’t need pool lanes.
41. The whitewater kayaking team once trained in Michael Phelps’ wake. May they rest in peace.
42. Sharks frequently revel at the absurdity of jumping Michael Phelps.
43. Michael Phelps uses spare swim caps as condoms.
44. Michael Phelps was actually an extra in the movie “Deep Blue Sea”; he ate Samuel L. Jackson and vomited up Cullen Jones.
45. Michael Phelps can swim through pack ice. Take that, Shackleton.
46. The ends of the pool in Michael Phelps’s lane must be plated with titanium, because the shockwave from his flip-turn shatters ordinary ceramic pool tiles.
    Michael Phelps must restrain himself from going full speed while swimming butterfly, to keep himself from actually taking off into the air.
47. The Marianas Trench was caused by Phelps swimming full speed laps in the Pacific Ocean.
48. The sequel to Snakes on a Plane was going to involve sharks and Michael Phelps, but the ASPCA intervened on behalf of the sharks.
49. Cats actually like water. They’re just too afraid of Michael Phelps to go in.
50. Michael Phelps won a gold medal in the Phelps-athalon. That’s where you swim the 400 meter freestyle, eat a 3000 calorie breakfast, and wrestle a crocodile. Simultaneously.
51. Michael Phelps dug the Panama Canal when he couldn’t stop in time while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.
52. It wasn’t an iceberg; the Titanic just got into Michael Phelps’ lane.
53. Whales beach themselves to escape the humiliation of Michael Phelps outswimming them.
54. Failboat was caused by Michael Phelps.
55. Michael Phelps does not get wet while he swims… the ladies watching him do.
56. While training off the Alaskan coast one morning in 1989, four-year-old Michael Phelps did a flip-turn off an iceberg, came off a little too deeply, and slammed into the ocean floor with such force that he struck oil. The mess was blamed on a passing oil tanker.
57. The real reason Congress won’t allow off-shore drilling is because Michael Phelps needs the entire U.S. coastline to swim his warm-up laps.
58. Michael Phelps went through life so fast, he flip-turned off of death and we are now watching him move through life backwards.
59. Superman has spent the last 23 years continually speeding up and slowing down the Earth’s rotation to counteract the effect of Michael Phelps’ swimming.
60. Russia refused to allow foreign divers near the wreck of the Kursk because they were embarrassed that it was destroyed in a failed attempt to capture Michael Phelps.
61. The reduction of tuna schools are not due to over fishing. They are dying of embarrassment over being out-swimmed by Michael Phelps.
62. For a man, taking it from Michael Phelps is more heterosexual than giving it to a woman.
63. The New Orleans’ levees were rated to withstand a category 5 hurricane. Unfortunately, they were only rated to withstand a category 0 Michael Phelps wake.
64. Captain Ahab was actually hunting Phelps. He tried to tell people it was a white whale, but no one believed him.
65. Michael Phelps can get 100% on “Through the Fire and Flames” on expert. Underwater. Without taking a breath.
66. Michael J. Fox once declared himself the greatest “Michael” of all time, until Michael Phelps showed up and told him he would take his life, but Phelps refused to say when or where…Fox hasn’t stopped shaking since.
67. Michael Phelps once towed Sig Hansen’s fully loaded crab boat all the way back to Dutch Harbor going around the Earth the longer way because swimming with that day’s current was too easy.
68. Michael Phelps trains with Ecco the Dolphin.
69. All those rings Sonic the Hedgehogs collects? He does that so they can be smelted down for Phelps’ personal gold medal factory.
70. Michael Phelps’ urine is used to flavor that artificial crab stuff.
71. Heard underwater, the cavitation sounds caused by Michael Phelps’s freestyle kick naturally repeat the phrase “You Suck” in Morse code.
72. Michael Phelps actually won the 10m platform-diving gold medal in 2004 with a dive that featured nine backflips and six and a half twists, but was later disqualified on the technicality that he had dove from a standard starting block instead of the platform.
73. Schrodinger’s paradox does not apply to Michael Phelps; even if you did not watch him race and have not seen the results, you can still be certain that he won without needing to check.
74. The show Deadliest Catch was originally about Michael Phelps, but everyone died when he flip-turned unexpectedly.
75. The Bermuda Triangle is afraid of Michael Phelps.
76. Michael Phelps once punched a man for punching a magician. That’s right. You heard me.
77. Friday, July 18th, I went Blue Marlin fishing off of the coast of California. Since it was the first time I’d gone deep sea fishing, I had the seat of honor to be the first person to reel in a fish. For the first hour, nothing. As the second hour drew to a close, the pole bent nearly in half and the line screamed out as our catch took out a hundred yards of 100 lb test in mere seconds. I battled it for what seemed like hours (though in reality it was just over an hour). My muscles were burning in pain as I slowly cranked in my fish. A Marlin of this size would never have fit on the boat, so the captain slowly made his way into the dock. As I reeled in my “fish” for the last dozen yards, Michael Phelps jumped out of the water, thanked us for the ride, drank our cooler empty of its beer, and asked for a ride to the nearest Pizza Hut buffet.
78. The movie “The Perfect Storm” was loosely based on Phelps’s response to another six-year-old challenging
    him to a splash-fight in the summer of 1991.
79. Michael Phelps enjoys spear-fishing for swordfish… armed only with other swordfish.
80. Michael Phelps once swam all the way to Gilligan’s Island just to have a threesome with Mary Ann and Ginger. He departed the next morning, taking only Bob Denver’s career with him.
81. You only see Michael Phelps’ mother on TV because his father was Poseidon.
82. Michael Phelps doesn’t have to shave his body hair. The friction generated by his swimming speed rips the hair out and immediately cauterizes the follicle ensuring it will never grow back. His swimming cap is made of a titanium alloy to prevent hair loss on this head.
83. The Bermuda Triangle is caused by the vortex created by Michael Phelps swimming in large circles

I guess we could probably attribute it to this guy (pops) if we really had to. But he might’ve seen them elsewhere but bought the domain. Who really knows.

Update (08/19/08): Fixed the formatting for all you internet visitors. I’m not sure why I blockquoted the entire thing, hopefully this is easier to read. If you see any missing that you’ve seen else let me know! (That means comment)